I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
