Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
