just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
