careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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