She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The air was thick with penises
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
