I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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