i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
