Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
