Betty ford says i'm here all night
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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