She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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