Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
