your parents love me but you hate me
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
that is very illegal...i love you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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