Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
