dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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