I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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