We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
