I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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