is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
