Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
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