I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
