you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
