I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
