Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
