you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
