we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
