My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
