I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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