Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
