This is not my ceiling
i think my tv is drunk
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
