i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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