Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
