if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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