When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
