'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
PS: I just woke up from my shower
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
