Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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