dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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