if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
