for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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