I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
