Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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