Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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