Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
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