I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
And then he peed in my hair
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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