I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Randomize
