Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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