My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
