hotel room ftw
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
