a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
