Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let's get the cat blown out
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
