ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
