He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
